Dear Daveigh – The Fifth Letter

Dear Daveigh,

I can’t lie, I miss you horribly right now.  I never got to see that beautiful smile of yours or hear you cry or see or hear your heartbeat.  It may sound crazy, but when I was on the phone I swear I heard someone say “Mommy”.  It was just above a whisper and so light.  Every day I look at my arm and see the scar from the scratch test.  It’s a constant reminder of me losing you.  I’m crying as I write this to you, my sweet little angel.  I love you and I miss you.  Even though you weren’t a part of me for very long, your a part of my heart.  You will always be my angel.  I’m sorry, I’d write more to you tonight, but I don’t think I have the heart tonight.  Please know that I love you with all my heart.

Love always and forever,
Your Mommy

Dear Daveigh – The Fourth Letter

My Darling Daveigh,

I missed you something awful yesterday.  The thought of you weighed heavy on my mind and nearly brought me to tears.  I want you to know that you are always in my heart and never far from my mind.  Every time I see a woman who is pregnant or who has a newborn baby, I think of you and how beautiful you would have been.  I wonder if you have your father’s eyes and my hair.  I wonder if you have my nose rather than your father’s.   I wonder how your laughter would sound if you were here.

Daveigh, your father needs some guidance, he needs to know you’re okay in Heaven.  More than anything, he wants to know why you were taken.  He’s angry with God and I know he has never truly had a relationship with Jesus or God, but it worries me.  Daveigh, we love you so much and I’d give anything to hold you in my arms, to be able to sing to you like I have done for your sister.  I’d give anything to feel your tiny hand wrapped around my finger.  I’d give anything for your father to find some peace rather than guilt and blame.

Daveigh, you would have loved your uncle.  I know if you’re watching us, you can clearly tell that your daddy’s brother is an absolute mess.  His girlfriend, your aunt, well she is amazing!  They would have taught you so many things and I don’t think I could ever be mad at them for it.  Now, my brothers, well I have plenty of them.  Only one of them is married, but you also have a cousin due to another uncle and his girlfriend.  Let’s see, we also have mommy’s close friends who are practically your aunts because mommy has known them for so long.  Needless to say, Mommy and Daddy have a family consisted of close friends and relatives who I know would have adored you just as much as we do.

Your grandparents, well this gets tricky (sort of).  You have Daddy’s parents, we’ll call them Granddad and GiGi, plus their significant others.  Then we have Mommy’s parents, Pop and Lola and Nennie and DeeDee.  Pop is Mommy’s father and Nennie is Mommy’s mother.  Lola is Pop’s wife, end of story.  DeeDee is Nennie’s husband.  You also have Granddaddy and Grandma, they are Mommy’s grandparents so technically they are your Great-grandparents plus their significant others.  That’s a lot of arms to hold you and spoil you rotten, isn’t it?

Then there are your great aunts and uncles and you have quite a few.  The ones watching over you in Heaven are the following:

  • Desmond – Mommy’s brother from another Mother.
  • Maw – Mommy’s Grandma (Nennie’s mom)
  • Paw – Mommy’s Grandpa (Nennie’s dad)
  • Nanny – Daddy’s Grandma (Granddad’s mom)
  • Granddad – Daddy’s Grandpa (Granddad’s dad)
  • Mama Ruth – Daddy’s Great-Grandma
  • Big Daddy – Daddy’s Great-Granddad
  • Ma’am – Mommy’s Great-Grandma
  • Pip – Mommy’s Great-Grandpa
  • Papa Dale – Mommy’s Grandpa (Pop’s stepfather)

There are so many others up there with you and I know they are all taking such good care of you.  They will all teach you so many things and Mommy and Daddy can’t wait to meet you and hold you one day.

We can’t wait to give you a big kiss and tell you how much we missed you.  You are perfect, just the way you are, please know that.  Please know that we did want you and still do.  You are our Angel baby.  We love you with all our hearts and know you are in better hands.

 

With all my love,
Your Mommy

Dear Daveigh – The Third Letter

Dearest Daveigh,

It’s been difficult, but yet easier.  Daddy and I are staying busy, trying to keep our minds off of the loss of you and remembering that you truly are in a better place than we could ever dream.  Today we got to meet your cousin, Jayden.  Daveigh, you would love him and your step-cousins.  Daddy has been working very hard to provide for us, I know it is helping him get through this pain he is experiencing.

Daddy met two men yesterday who spoke to him about Jesus and one of his clients called as well just to speak to him.  If you know your Daddy like I do, you’d know that he doesn’t have a strong belief in the Lord.  In fact, when you went to Heaven, he cursed God for taking you from us.  He’s confused right now, but I know that the good Lord is trying to show Daddy the way.  Daddy said he would consider going to church and I hope he follows through with it.

I miss you, Daveigh.  My heart aches when I see other little babies.  My heart aches because the image of you haunts my mind.  Whether you know this or not, I loved you before I ever met you.  You’ve changed me in a way that you will probably never know.  Daveigh, you have given me the courage and hope to attend church again and to build a closer relationship to the Lord.  Because of you, my sweet little angel, I HAVE to believe that God had a greater purpose for you than I could ever imagine in all the world.  I have to believe that God is saving us and you.  I have to believe that God knew something we all could not have foreseen.

Daveigh, please don’t misunderstand what I am saying.  I love you wholeheartedly and forever will.  I can’t wait to meet you in Heaven and to finally wrap my arms around you and give you all the kisses I have already missed giving you.  I can’t wait to see your smiling face and to finally know you.  I promise you that one day I will be with you if it takes my whole life.  I know that while I cannot be with you, you are surrounded by loved ones who have passed before you.

I know that my dear friend Dez is probably teaching you all the things he shouldn’t and that Aunt Kimmie’s babies are there with you, encouraging you to play.  I know that Maw and Paw are there as well, Maw singing to you and Paw teaching you about Bear Bryant and NASCAR.  I know Daddy’s Nanny and Granddad are there as well.  Nanny is probably fixing you cheese toast and Granddad is probably teaching you about the heart beneath the badge.  He was a scout master in his lifetime and from everything I have been told, he is a great man.

Then there is Jesus, a wonderful and kind man who is forgiving and loving.  He gave his life so that we may live.  He is God’s one true son and also the son of Mary and Joseph.  Jesus was a carpenter and preached the word of God.  He was baptized in the river by John the Baptist.  Daveigh, you are in the hands of some amazing people and an awesome God!

Daveigh, my sweet love, I miss you terribly and I hope you have pleasant dreams tonight as you lay down in Heaven to rest.  I love you to the depths of my soul and to the ends of the Earth and cosmos.  We all love you and miss you.  Your big sister doesn’t fully understand and is sad that you are not here, but I’m going to take her to church and teach her that God needed you more than we did and that you are in better hands.  We love you.

 

Love always and forever,
Mommy

Dear Daveigh – The Second Letter

Dear Daveigh,

I pulled myself out of bed this morning and attended church for the first time in almost five years seeking guidance.  My  heart ached throughout the service and tears slowly streamed down my face, one at a time.  When it came time to pray at the altar, the song “Blessings” by Laura Story began to play and I could no longer fight back the tears that were quickly welling up in my eyes.  My dear friends that I call family wrapped their arms around me and prayed for peace and acceptance for me.  They prayed that you were in the arms of Jesus, happy and healthy.

My Daveigh, my heart aches without your presence inside of me.  My mind wonders what you would have looked like and who you would have been.  I visited your grave this morning and placed fresh gardenias on the ground for you.  Gardenias represent joy and the color white represents purity.  You were our joy and true purity.

I hope you will be proud of me.  I want to become the Sunday School Teacher at church and build my relationship with God.  I want to see your face again and Daveigh, I will do anything to do so.  I love you my darling.

Love always,
Your Mommy

Dear Daveigh – The First Letter

Dear Daveigh,
At approximately 8:10am Saturday morning, you were born. You were the size of a blueberry in a sac the size of a marble. You had four little buds, two for hands and two for feet. You also had two eyes. You were so tiny and to see you like that, outside of my body, was probably the most devastating thing I have ever experienced. I’ve cried for you since the doctor told me yesterday to expect the worst. I’m not sure how or why this happened, all I know is that you’re in Heaven with Jesus and plenty of people that I know love you.

Daveigh, you will not have to endure suffering or heartache. You will not have to witness the ugliness of the world. No harm will ever come to you for you truly are in better hands. I wish more than anything that you could be with your father and I physically, but I know you will forever be with us all spiritually.

Daveigh, we love you more than our own lives and would have given anything to give you life. Please know that just because you are now in Heaven, that does not mean we don’t love you any less. In fact, we love you more. You are our Angel baby and we know that one day we will all be together again. Until then, please know that your great grandparents and the rest of our family will care for you and look after you.

My darling, I’m sorry for stressing out over the daily struggles we were facing. I feel as though your loss – or rather, your win – was due to my inability to let things go. I never wanted to hurt you and I in no way was truly ready to let you go.

At approximately 8:35pm Saturday evening, your father and I did what felt to be the most difficult thing on this Earth. We buried you. Your resting place is on the other side of our bedroom wall in a small wooden box to hold your tiny, delicate five week old body. We placed gardenias and mums upon your grave and Daddy made you a cross. We never wanted to let you go; if it were up to me, I’d hold you forever.

Daveigh, my darling child whose name means ‘beloved’, you will forever be in our hearts. You will forever be loved and wanted. You will forever be missed. I love you darling Daveigh, forever.

With love,
Your Mommy

Daveigh Barker
Born: May 19th, 2012
Died: May 19th, 2012